"They're All Going to Die!"

By S.T. VanAirsdale

Among my overriding regrets in recent months, few linger more painfully than my abrogation of The Reeler's annual interview with Dr. Reinhardt van Nostrand, Professor Emeritus of Schlechtendingen at the University of Wurms in Germany, and "special consultant to the Pioneer Theater on matters of the paranormal and the occult." Or, more specifically, the chief programmer of the Pioneer's month-long series of Horror, Terror, and General Mayhem. And don't think the shadowy, mad mastermind let me off the hook once I finally did head down to the Pioneer on Tuesday to hear about this weekend's Werewolf All-Nighter, featuring a 584-minute marathon of international scope pitting Joe Dante's classic The Howling against everything from Neil Jordan's The Company of Wolves to the timeless Canadian genius of Teen Wolf.

Preparing for the apocalypse at East Third St. and Avenue A

I don't think we really did set our differences aside entirely, but ever the professional, Dr. van Nostrand stayed on point with the pathological acuity his followers have come to cherish.

THE REELER: How have you been, Doctor van Nostrand?

REINHARDT VAN NOSTRAND: I've come here to kill.

R: Who or what have you come here to kill?

RV: They're all going to die.

R: Who is "they"?

RV: Everybody! America!

R: America. Got it.

RV: It's the end of the world! It's the apocalypse. And I'm here, especially now -- after lighting fires in California -- I am here to bring the apocalypse to the East Coast.

R: And how do you begin?

RV: I am starting by killing everyone at the Pioneer Theater. They're all going to die.

R: That's kind of a major undertaking, isn't it?

RV: I have assistance from the people at the Pioneer Theater; there is very little I need to do. [A wolf howls somewhere, perhaps from a speaker.] Ah, the children of the night. What sweet music they make! ... We are bringing the wolves this Saturday night. We will have the audience here, and then the wolves will be coming, and then we set the wolves loose in the theater, and they will kill and eat everybody here. Because there are many wolves surrounding this theater -- they are all around, and now they are entering!

R: But you chose Teen Wolf, for God's sake.

RV: Yes, I did.

R: That doesn't sound like part of the master plan of the apocalypse.

RV: You do not understand the undercurrent of dark themes in Teen Wolf. There is a lot of evil in Michael J. Fox. He is one of the four horsemen.

R: What else in the program?

RV: The Howling! A great film. ... You should be here! Bring your friends. It is the only safe place!

R: But you just said everyone was going to die.

RV: Oh, I was just joking.

R: OK, well, what else? Curse of the Werewolf -- a Hammer Films entry. Are you a fan of the studio?

RV: There are many, many vampires from England, and many, many werewolves from England. We are glad, because in America, many wolves come from England to kill. Death from England! Death from Ireland!

R: Oh, and speaking of Ireland, you've got Neil Jordan's film The Company of Wolves. That's Angela Lansbury in that one, right?

RV: Mmmm. She's sexy.

R: You've changed so much, Doctor. You used to have such resentment for the staff of the Pioneer, and now that's expanded into their clientele.

RV: They're all going to die. The clientele, the staff, everybody. Just because I hate the clientele doesn't mean I don't hate the staff and the management. They're horrible!

R: Yet they've opened their theater to you once again.

RV: They do not "open." They cannot open what I take!

The Werewolf All-Nighter screens Oct. 27 at the Pioneer Theater; the program features The Howling, The Company of Wolves, Curse of the Werewolf, Wolf, Teen Wolf and Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman, with a brief break at midnight to howl at the moon. Tickets are $5 per screening or $25 for the full program; visit the Pioneer's web site for more program and ticket information.

Posted at October 25, 2007 10:55 AM